Things I am retroactively sorry to my parents for: 2

Energy Vampirism
Over my childhood I was accused of a good many things by my mother. Not the usual accusations of "Did you hit/bite/break/steal/eat that thing and/or person?!", of which I was, almost always, actually guilty but of more amorphous crimes.

Laziness. This was more or less true. I mean, I could argue that her perception of laziness was simply a differing in opinion of the relative importance of various activities, a difference of opinion that led her to believe that those activities I believed to be important were not as important and vice versa. I could argue that but, seriously, who the fuck could be bothered?

Communism. I suspect this was more an attempt to imply that I wanted something for nothing, rather than an accusation of actual Communist party membership. It was the 80s and Rocky IV and Red Dawn (Go Wolverines!) were still telling us that Communists were bad, intent on invasion and/or beating Carl Weathers to death. In any event I don't remember harbouring any Communist tendencies, if for no other reason than in the small country town where I grew up it was the anarcho-capitalists that had the nicest cars and got all the chicks.

Homosexuality. This was just untrue. I mean sure, I get a funny butterflies feeling in my tummy whenever I see Gerard Butler but what right thinking man doesn't?

By far the most bizarre accusation, however, was that of energy vampirism. My mother essentially believed that I, deliberately and with malice aforethought, sucked her energy away and used it for my own unholy purposes. Even as a very small child I thought this was pretty fruity and unfair. The relative fruitiness and fairness of it does not stop it, unfortunately, from being absolutely true. Children are a parasitical race, possibly from outer space, that leech your energy away and use it for evil. I have proof.

Proof 1. Children start off quite small but end up big, conversely parents start off quite big but end up smaller. This proves that not only are they sucking your energy away but they're also using some form of alien matter-to-energy technology and actually eating your cells! One by one!

Proof 2. Parents are tired. A lot. The logic is impecable. Before children = not tired. After children = tired. Where does that youthful vim and vigor go?! The only possible answer: energy vampirism.

Proof 3. Grandparents love their grandchildren. Whilst it's terrible that an alien energy leech sucks your life force away what a vast relief it must be when some second alien energy leech starts sucking away the life force of that first alien energy leech! The enemy of your enemy is your friend! And that's why you give that enemies enemy drum kits and plastic chainsaws for its birthday.

Proof 4. The final and most irrefutable piece of proof. The tireder I am the louder my children are. They take my hard earned energy and convert it into shouting. QED.